My number one source of comedy right now is the Cyanide and Happiness web comic series. The second source of comedy comes from reading the personal profiles of women on dating sites. You don’t need to be an FBI profiler to see the warning signs implied in their self summaries. For the purposes of entertaining the male readers and educating the female readers, here are some of the most popular profile faux-pas:

1. She includes her friends in the picture.

This means a few things. Obviously she doesn’t understand the purpose of the self portrait photo. Either that or she’s hoping you’re going to assume she’s the hotter one. And if the photo has a caption that reads “I’m the one holding the cat with the birthday hat”, then you need to hack into the servers at INTERNIC and the site domain and remove any trace of your computer’s IP address from the logs so that there’s no f**king way she can find you.

2. She only has face pictures.

C’mon now, girls. Eventually he’s going to find out what you look like so why take a picture of just your face? It’s easy to tell the weight of a woman from her cheeks alone anyway.

3. She’s way too standoffish.

Every guy likes confident women. But women who insult you when you read their profile are usually very insecure; they are the ones who are scared to death of getting hurt and they will never be any fun to be around. I love the ones that make their own problems yours, before you even meet them: “I’m only interested if you are man enough to handle the fact that I have two kids, and that you appreciate the subtle beauty of a BBW [fatass]. Other losers don’t even bother messaging me”.

4. Cats.

Fuck cats. There is no valid reason for a cat to appear in any woman’s profile photo on a dating site, nor any mention of the word cat.

5. She loves a movie that you hate.

You can tell a lot from a person if you know what movies they like. It may seem like a trivial thing, but don’t date a woman who loves a movie that you thought was crap. It never works out.

6. She writes, “I don’t like to talk about myself”

SO MANY women do this. The first thing they say on their self summary is that they are opposed to filling out a self summary. Women who have this on their profile will bore you to death. Like this summary of an online dater who calls herself GLITTERpuke:

“You know, I really dislike writing about myself [OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT A UNIQUE WAY TO START YOUR PROFILE. YOU’VE BLOWN ME AWAY.]. I never know what to say. I mean, should I talk about my quirks? My hobbies? My pets? I think not.
I should mention I’m cynical and viciously sarcastic. I’ve got a wonderful sense of dry humor and a sharp tongue [Dry and sharp. Yeah, that sounds wonderful]. I like listening to people’s stories, and I only wish I had more to tell. I’m shy at first but once I’ve warmed up to someone, I’m very extroverted [I’m a complete prude and I’m very judgemental, but if you can handle that then I become a stage five clinger that will stalk you in your dreams]. To the point where it catches one off guard. Also, I love animals [FUCKING CATS!! I thought you said you weren’t going to talk about pets] and all their fur and scales and drool.”

7. She has “princess” in her sceen-name.

8.  She says something off the wall.

Here are three warning signs in a row from the same profile on a dating site:  “People will frequently tell me that I have pretty ears. Once they get to know me a little better people say I have a good sense of humor. And I always like it when someone notices my shoes!”. What are you, an elf?

9. She uses compact, random self facts.

Example: “Blah blah blah. I’m a nerd. I laugh at my own jokes, so obviously I think I’m funny. You probably will too. I’m easily amused, also easily bored. I can cook. I want to travel the world as soon as possible. I swear like a trucker on a pirate ship. My next big move in life is going to be mini horse ownership. What can I say, I dream big.”

10. She’s a BBW.

Specifically, a BBW is a woman who has neglected to take care of herself and has become morbidly, sickeningly obese, and likes to spin it as if it’s a positive thing. Other similar positive spins on obesity that you will see are “Fun size”, “Tons of fun”, “Curvy”, “A whole lotta woman”, “big gurl”, et cetera.

What else?

Add a comment below if you think of any other warning signs you want to share.

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Comments on: "Psycho-watch: How to interpret a personal profile" (1)

  1. What is wrong with cats? They are such amazing animals.

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