Archive for the ‘How-To’ Category

Psycho-watch: How to interpret a personal profile

My number one source of comedy right now is the Cyanide and Happiness web comic series. The second source of comedy comes from reading the personal profiles of women on dating sites. You don’t need to be an FBI profiler to see the warning signs implied in their self summaries. For the purposes of entertaining the male readers and educating the female readers, here are some of the most popular profile faux-pas:

1. She includes her friends in the picture.

This means a few things. Obviously she doesn’t understand the purpose of the self portrait photo. Either that or she’s hoping you’re going to assume she’s the hotter one. And if the photo has a caption that reads “I’m the one holding the cat with the birthday hat”, then you need to hack into the servers at INTERNIC and the site domain and remove any trace of your computer’s IP address from the logs so that there’s no f**king way she can find you.

2. She only has face pictures.

C’mon now, girls. Eventually he’s going to find out what you look like so why take a picture of just your face? It’s easy to tell the weight of a woman from her cheeks alone anyway.

3. She’s way too standoffish.

Every guy likes confident women. But women who insult you when you read their profile are usually very insecure; they are the ones who are scared to death of getting hurt and they will never be any fun to be around. I love the ones that make their own problems yours, before you even meet them: “I’m only interested if you are man enough to handle the fact that I have two kids, and that you appreciate the subtle beauty of a BBW [fatass]. Other losers don’t even bother messaging me”.

4. Cats.

Fuck cats. There is no valid reason for a cat to appear in any woman’s profile photo on a dating site, nor any mention of the word cat.

5. She loves a movie that you hate.

You can tell a lot from a person if you know what movies they like. It may seem like a trivial thing, but don’t date a woman who loves a movie that you thought was crap. It never works out.

6. She writes, “I don’t like to talk about myself”

SO MANY women do this. The first thing they say on their self summary is that they are opposed to filling out a self summary. Women who have this on their profile will bore you to death. Like this summary of an online dater who calls herself GLITTERpuke:

“You know, I really dislike writing about myself [OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT A UNIQUE WAY TO START YOUR PROFILE. YOU’VE BLOWN ME AWAY.]. I never know what to say. I mean, should I talk about my quirks? My hobbies? My pets? I think not.
I should mention I’m cynical and viciously sarcastic. I’ve got a wonderful sense of dry humor and a sharp tongue [Dry and sharp. Yeah, that sounds wonderful]. I like listening to people’s stories, and I only wish I had more to tell. I’m shy at first but once I’ve warmed up to someone, I’m very extroverted [I’m a complete prude and I’m very judgemental, but if you can handle that then I become a stage five clinger that will stalk you in your dreams]. To the point where it catches one off guard. Also, I love animals [FUCKING CATS!! I thought you said you weren’t going to talk about pets] and all their fur and scales and drool.”

7. She has “princess” in her sceen-name.

8.  She says something off the wall.

Here are three warning signs in a row from the same profile on a dating site:  “People will frequently tell me that I have pretty ears. Once they get to know me a little better people say I have a good sense of humor. And I always like it when someone notices my shoes!”. What are you, an elf?

9. She uses compact, random self facts.

Example: “Blah blah blah. I’m a nerd. I laugh at my own jokes, so obviously I think I’m funny. You probably will too. I’m easily amused, also easily bored. I can cook. I want to travel the world as soon as possible. I swear like a trucker on a pirate ship. My next big move in life is going to be mini horse ownership. What can I say, I dream big.”

10. She’s a BBW.

Specifically, a BBW is a woman who has neglected to take care of herself and has become morbidly, sickeningly obese, and likes to spin it as if it’s a positive thing. Other similar positive spins on obesity that you will see are “Fun size”, “Tons of fun”, “Curvy”, “A whole lotta woman”, “big gurl”, et cetera.

What else?

Add a comment below if you think of any other warning signs you want to share.

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How to cheat at soda bottle sweepstakes

The soda bottles with an instant-winner cap used to give away better stuff; now it’s more like 1 in 5 is a winner for a free song download. However, if you have access to alot of bottles of soda that advertise a sweepstakes for a vacation or a car, try this out:

  1. Hold the bottle straight up and tilt it until just before the liquid covers the inside of the cap.
  2. Put the bottle directly on your cheek, like you are holding a rifle.
  3. If the bottle is cold, occasionally wipe the condensation off of the bottle to see the underside of the cap.
  4. There should be enough space between the bottle wrapper and the cap for you to see part of the writing on the cap. If you can only see enough to know that the last two letters are “EE”, that’s probably “FREE”. If you see something like “SE” and “IN” on separate lines, the message probably reads “PLEASE TRY AGAIN”. You see where I’m going with this. Keep switching bottles until you find one that has a different message than most of the others.

A Mobile DJ Setup – DJ while stuck in traffic for under $100 total

I hate traffic. I don’t even want to think about how much of my life has been wasted sitting idle on the road. That’s why people like to text and drive. But f**k that, people die texting while driving. I’m starting a new craze; DJaying while driving. That’s much safer. If you have a laptop you can DJ in the car during traffic for under $100.

It’s really easy to do. I bought a USB DJ controller for $50, an ION DISCOVERY DJ. It’s not pro equipment, but it’s got all the basic controls. It came with crap DJ software but again, it’s more than enough to have a TON of fun. To get two separate sound channels out of my Windows laptop, I had to get a male-stereo-to-female-mono split adapter. I plugged that into the laptop’s headphone jack, then stuck a male-mono-to-female-stereo adapter onto one of the female mono outputs of the splitter. You have to get this other part or else the stereo system may sound funny. Be careful picking these parts out in Radio Shack…there are alot of adapters and splitters that look exactly the same, you have to read the specs for the terms mentioned above. I got a cassette adapter for my stereo, hooked it up to the adapted part of the splitter and hooked my headphones into the other jack. It works beautifully; I play right through the car sound system. Don’t get a radio transmitter, they suck. If your dashboard has a 3mm audio-in port, then just connect straight to that. Then you just get a $20 power inverter to keep the laptop running and plug that into the cigarette port.

You could have a friend drive and mix from the passenger or back seat. Roll up on a group of people, a drive-through, a traffic jam, downtown, a park, or a stoplight and do your thing. By the way, if you already have an iPad, just get an app called Algoriddim DJay and the splitters I mentioned. The app is $10 but is worth $400.

DJ while driving

A rolling sneak-attack of funk.

DJ laptop audio splitter

Make two channels out of a laptop headphone jack

Closeup of DJ audio splitters

How to stop the annoying beep from onboard speakers in desktops

Did you know that you can turn off that annoying beep that occurs during error or alert messages on your desktop PC? Kill the useless onboard speakers in your desktop by following these steps I found on Slash Dot Dash

Kill the annoying Windows Beep (internal speaker)

Perform the following steps to disable your machine’s system beep:

1. Right-click My Computer and select Manage.

2. Expand System Tools and select Device Manager.

3. From the View menu, select Show hidden devices.

4. Expand Non-Plug and Play Drivers.

5. Right-click Beep, and select Properties.

6. Select the Drivers tab.

7. Click Stop. You can also change the start-up type to Disabled so the beep service never starts.

(Copied verbatim from this beep bleep site since I always forget how to do this and it really drives me beeping mad – especially on laptops where you can’t easily disconnect the interal speaker to permanently stop the beeping).

Take Over the Hotel

Free Hotel Cancellation

Hotels sometimes charge you a cancellation fee if you cancel your reservation too close to your arrival date. Instead of cancelling, call to reschedule. Then call back, get a different phone operator, and request to cancel. This way you can avoid the late cancellation fee.

Go Straight to Your Floor in an Elevator

Oh God, I hate it when someone’s kids start pressing all the buttons, or the elevator is full and your floor is the furthest away. Try pressing your floor and the door close button at the exact same time.

Free Cell Phone Charger

Cell phone chargers are the number one lost item in hotels. Even if you’re not a guest of the hotel, if you need a charger find a hotel and tell the front desk you lost one. In the unlikely event that they ask whether you’re a guest, tell them you lost it in a common area.

Free WI-FI

If the wireless internet connection redirects you to a page requiring you to login or pay for access, try adding “.jpg” to the end of the web address you are typing. Wireless pay systems usually don’t redirect web requests ending in .jpg.

Free Use of Business Room Computers

If you find a computer that requires a credit card to use, hold down the power button, turn it on, and hit the F8 button on the keyboard. Start the computer in Safe Mode with Networking, which will neglect to load the payment system application when it starts.

Free Hotel Breakfast

It’s 5AM, the party is finally over and you’re hungry. Walk into a nearby hotel with some luggage. In many hotels, the morning shift relieves the graveyard shift and prepares the continental breakfast, and they have no way of knowing whether you are a hotel guest.


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