1. If approaching women makes you nervous, you should first work on getting rid of your nervousness. Think carefully about the true source of your fear and eliminate it.
  2. Ready for the best pickup line ever conceived? Here it is: “Hi”. Just say hi, it’s failproof. If she doesn’t like you, then you haven’t risked any pride because you’re just giving a standard greeting. Say hi to enough women and you’ll be able to tell from their reaction if they are open to taking things further.
  3. Sticking your hand out first is a bad move. Even though it is considered normal etiquette, it implies that you are assuming she wants to touch your hand or know your name. Even better, wait until she asks what your name is before sticking your hand out to exchange names. Also, since this might be the first time you touch, make it a good handshake. If she wasn’t impressed by the way you hold her hand now, she’ll never want to hold your hand later.
  4. If your plan is to ask her out, get that out of the way first (after “Hi” of course) Good conversation is vital, but that comes after you’ve confirmed she’s actually interested in dating you.
  5. Don’t bother approaching a woman that you aren’t really all that interested in. Your genuine desire and interest will show and make an impact. Plus, you’ll be able to honestly say “I don’t normally do this, but…”
  6. Don’t use boilerplate stories, magic tricks, or any other kind of pre-meditated dialogue. You’ll come off looking like a con artist or a sociopath. The conversation should flow naturally and if it doesn’t maybe you two aren’t compatible. Forced or memorized dialogue will only acheive two things; you’ll either be ridiculed for it or even worse, it will work and you’ll hook up with a girl that turns out to be completely incompatible with you.

Here are some of my favorite Cyanide and Happiness comics:

Cyanide and Happiness - Abandon Quest

Cyanide and Happiness - Abandon Quest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cyanide and Hapiness - Dubstep Intervention

Cyanide and Hapiness - Dubstep Intervention

Cyanide and Happiness - Birthday Bike

My number one source of comedy right now is the Cyanide and Happiness web comic series. The second source of comedy comes from reading the personal profiles of women on dating sites. You don’t need to be an FBI profiler to see the warning signs implied in their self summaries. For the purposes of entertaining the male readers and educating the female readers, here are some of the most popular profile faux-pas:

1. She includes her friends in the picture.

This means a few things. Obviously she doesn’t understand the purpose of the self portrait photo. Either that or she’s hoping you’re going to assume she’s the hotter one. And if the photo has a caption that reads “I’m the one holding the cat with the birthday hat”, then you need to hack into the servers at INTERNIC and the site domain and remove any trace of your computer’s IP address from the logs so that there’s no f**king way she can find you.

2. She only has face pictures.

C’mon now, girls. Eventually he’s going to find out what you look like so why take a picture of just your face? It’s easy to tell the weight of a woman from her cheeks alone anyway.

3. She’s way too standoffish.

Every guy likes confident women. But women who insult you when you read their profile are usually very insecure; they are the ones who are scared to death of getting hurt and they will never be any fun to be around. I love the ones that make their own problems yours, before you even meet them: “I’m only interested if you are man enough to handle the fact that I have two kids, and that you appreciate the subtle beauty of a BBW [fatass]. Other losers don’t even bother messaging me”.

4. Cats.

Fuck cats. There is no valid reason for a cat to appear in any woman’s profile photo on a dating site, nor any mention of the word cat.

5. She loves a movie that you hate.

You can tell a lot from a person if you know what movies they like. It may seem like a trivial thing, but don’t date a woman who loves a movie that you thought was crap. It never works out.

6. She writes, “I don’t like to talk about myself”

SO MANY women do this. The first thing they say on their self summary is that they are opposed to filling out a self summary. Women who have this on their profile will bore you to death. Like this summary of an online dater who calls herself GLITTERpuke:

“You know, I really dislike writing about myself [OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT A UNIQUE WAY TO START YOUR PROFILE. YOU’VE BLOWN ME AWAY.]. I never know what to say. I mean, should I talk about my quirks? My hobbies? My pets? I think not.
I should mention I’m cynical and viciously sarcastic. I’ve got a wonderful sense of dry humor and a sharp tongue [Dry and sharp. Yeah, that sounds wonderful]. I like listening to people’s stories, and I only wish I had more to tell. I’m shy at first but once I’ve warmed up to someone, I’m very extroverted [I’m a complete prude and I’m very judgemental, but if you can handle that then I become a stage five clinger that will stalk you in your dreams]. To the point where it catches one off guard. Also, I love animals [FUCKING CATS!! I thought you said you weren’t going to talk about pets] and all their fur and scales and drool.”

7. She has “princess” in her sceen-name.

8.  She says something off the wall.

Here are three warning signs in a row from the same profile on a dating site:  “People will frequently tell me that I have pretty ears. Once they get to know me a little better people say I have a good sense of humor. And I always like it when someone notices my shoes!”. What are you, an elf?

9. She uses compact, random self facts.

Example: “Blah blah blah. I’m a nerd. I laugh at my own jokes, so obviously I think I’m funny. You probably will too. I’m easily amused, also easily bored. I can cook. I want to travel the world as soon as possible. I swear like a trucker on a pirate ship. My next big move in life is going to be mini horse ownership. What can I say, I dream big.”

10. She’s a BBW.

Specifically, a BBW is a woman who has neglected to take care of herself and has become morbidly, sickeningly obese, and likes to spin it as if it’s a positive thing. Other similar positive spins on obesity that you will see are “Fun size”, “Tons of fun”, “Curvy”, “A whole lotta woman”, “big gurl”, et cetera.

What else?

Add a comment below if you think of any other warning signs you want to share.

The soda bottles with an instant-winner cap used to give away better stuff; now it’s more like 1 in 5 is a winner for a free song download. However, if you have access to alot of bottles of soda that advertise a sweepstakes for a vacation or a car, try this out:

  1. Hold the bottle straight up and tilt it until just before the liquid covers the inside of the cap.
  2. Put the bottle directly on your cheek, like you are holding a rifle.
  3. If the bottle is cold, occasionally wipe the condensation off of the bottle to see the underside of the cap.
  4. There should be enough space between the bottle wrapper and the cap for you to see part of the writing on the cap. If you can only see enough to know that the last two letters are “EE”, that’s probably “FREE”. If you see something like “SE” and “IN” on separate lines, the message probably reads “PLEASE TRY AGAIN”. You see where I’m going with this. Keep switching bottles until you find one that has a different message than most of the others.

Never propose in public

These epic marriage fails should teach you one thing; a highly public marriage proposal is not romantic. She will only see it as a cowardly, backhanded attempt at forcing her into a lifetime commitment that she may not be ready for.

Law is a man-made concept designed to keep order in a heavily populated area, where morals are more like gravity, unchanging universal truths. I’ve met plenty of cops who believe without a splinter of doubt that whoever breaks any law whatsoever deserves the maximum punishment in every circumstance. The problem with that is, laws change all the time, usually depending on the financial demands of government bureaucrats. People who say that the law is the definition of moral order are really saying that good morals are whatever the law happens to be at the time. Following that logic, morals change from county to county and from state to state. That’s ridiculous.

In Broward County, you can be fined up to $200 for riding a bicycle at night without a flashing light. Now, let’s say a poor person who happened to be unaware of this law was in a tight spot and was barely able to pay his upcoming rent. He gets caught riding a bicycle without a flashing light on it. If the cop gives him the ticket, we won’t be able to pay his rent. In this case, enforcing the law is by far the cruelest, least moral thing the cop could do. Laws like this are just a thinly veiled excuse for crushing levels of taxation. If the county’s bureaucratic elite, who could not care less about the lives of common folk, would stop misappropriating public funds in the disgusting ways that they do, they would not have to tax the public in such underhanded ways as hiding behind trees under a hill with a radar gun, causing financial hardship to people all day long.

I am not anti-law. Human beings in general are not capable of regulating themselves. We are naturally opportunistic creatures and on varying levels most of us will do things to better ourselves at the expense of others. Imagine what our cities would look like if there was no law enforcement to keep the fear of consequences in our minds at all times? If everyone thought that they could get away with all of their selfish impulses, the city would become a war zone within weeks. Just make sure that you have a strong moral compass of your own, and realize what the law is and what the law isn’t.

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